Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kiri
by WOLFEDEN Stories
Summary: New worlds, new problems, new Hinamizawa, same Higurashi. These are the scripts for the upcoming YouTube parody show by Daggertail100 WOLFEDEN Stories , the creator of Help Me! Doctor Hazama!.


It's been a long time, Higurashi community.

I'm back...sort of...

My Kan project has been on hold for the longest time, as you can tell. I apologize for that, but I am currently grappling with a writing class that has worked the very nerves of my overly creative and ever scheming mind. I haven't been able to write actual entertaining prose for the longest time because of this. I've also been hard at work on my BlazBlue YouTube show (Help Me! Doctor Hazama!). However, I have a special treat for the Kan fans, and for any Higurashi lover out there, that will hopefully hold you over until I get my butt back in gear.

I present to you **Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kiri.**

Coming off of the success of my HMDH parody show, I decided to try my hand at crafting a satirical look on the Higurashi universe, much like how I do for the BlazBlue universe in my show. Kiri is pretty much that: a comedy show that will celebrate my love of Higurashi while cracking jokes and creating situations that probably would never happen in Higurashi canon.

(And I'm not talking about crappy jokes like Kira. No offense to any Kira fans out there, I just wasn't pleased with that season)

What lies before you is the script for the pilot episode of this new comedy series of mine. Some of you might remember that I may a VN adaptation of my first fic; the format will be similar to that. I'll be using sprites from Matsuri along with music from the various soundtracks from the games and anime, as well as **voice acting**. I could use some VAs for this new project of mine.

I have four VAs including myself right now, but I would certainly love more. **If you're interested in trying out for a spot on this new show of mine, leave a comment and let me know. So far Keiichi, Hanyuu, Irie and Oishi, and Akasaka are taken.** I'll get some more information about the casting call when I can. In the meantime, check out this script to the pilot episode.

I hope you like it and I hope you are interested in becoming a part of this parody show!

~WOLFEDEN Stories (Daggertail100)

* * *

Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kiri

Episode 1: Bachiatari-hen (The Cursed Chapter) Script

[The sun shines brightly over a quiet Hinamizawa. The villagers go about their everyday lives peacefully. The farmers tend the fields, the Irie Clinic is receiving a steady flow of business from the elderly, and the children are hard at work in school…at least most of them.

[Maebara Keiichi makes a sorrowful ascent up the stone steps leading to the Furude Shrine. His arms ache from carrying two buckets of water. He curses to himself under his breath]

Keiichi: [Takes a few heavy breaths. Exhausted] Jeez…! How in the heck do I get myself into these kinds of situations? I was paying attention to Chie-sensei like a good little boy! So why in the heck do _I _have to be punished?

Mion: [From behind] Maybe because you were talking crap about curry again?

Keiichi: [Barking] I didn't ask you!

Mion: [Giggle] Kei-chan needs to man up and take responsibility. You need to stop whining like a little kid.

Keiichi: [Annoyed] Just shut up. And why the hell are you following me?

Mion: Chie wanted me to make sure you completed your punishment. You have to take those buckets all the way up to the Ritual Tools Shrine and then back to the school before sunset. Chie said that if you fail, _I _get to choose the next punishment!

Keiichi: [Shudders] I can only imagine how much that would suck.

Mion: Hey! You should be thankful that Chie's giving you such a workout! Your biceps are gonna get a lot stronger. [Snickering] It's a heck of a lot more effective than that _other_ workout you do when you're home alone!

Keiichi: [Embarrassed, yet still angry] HEY! What I do in the privacy of my own home is none of your business!

Mion: Ga-hahahahahaha! Everything about you is my business, Kei-chan! I'm the Club Leader, remember?

Keiichi: [Whining] You're such a…big dumb meanie…

Mion: Ah, quit your blubbering. We're here.

[They arrive at the tools shrine]

Keiichi: [Places the buckets down. Heaves a heavy sigh] Man! Break time…

Mion: You get sixty seconds and that's it.

Keiichi: [Sarcastic] Yes, Warden.

[Keiichi takes a look at the shrine doors]

Keiichi: You know, I always wondered what's in there.

Mion: Heck if I know. Only Furude Family members are allowed in there.

Keiichi: And Rika never said what's in there, huh?

Mion: Nope.

Keiichi: Hmm. [Smirks] Then let's check it out!

Mion: [Shocked] Hey wait, hold on! Didn't you just hear what I said? Didn't Rika always tell you to never go in her shed?

Keiichi: [Rubs his chin] Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

[Flashbaaaaaaaaack]

_Keiichi: Hey, Rika-chan! You wanna play spin the bottle with the girls and me?_

_Rika: [Laughs goofily] No way, Keiichi! I'm too shy! [Goofy giggle. Now in a monotone voice] Stay out of my shed._

_[And another occasion]_

_Rena: Keiichi-kun! You wanna go on a picnic with me?_

_Keiichi: [Overly happy] Hell yes! Let's eat near Rika's shed! It's private, it has a great view of the village, and it's totally devoid of any horrible deities that may murder us if we were to ever deface it and/or break any of the sacred taboos placed upon it!_

_Rena: Okay!_

_Rika: [Sings] ~Keiichi's gonna die~_

_[And another occasion]_

_Random villager: [Bleeding profusely] AH GOD! I'M BLEEDING PROFUSELY! AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE I WENT INTO THE SHED WHEN I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO! NOW I'M GOING TO DIE AN EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL DEATH ALL BECAUSE I ACTED LIKE AN IDIOT WHO CAN'T FOLLOW SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS!_

[Present day]

Keiichi: ….. [Overly happy] I think Rika said we're always welcome in her shed!

Mion: That's not what she said, dumbass!

Keiichi: Hey, I'm the man around here, and I say we're going to commit heresy! So shut up and do as I say!

Mion: [Annoyed] You're such a moron.

Keiichi: [Examines the lock on the door] Huh. There's a lock on the door. How do you suppose we get it off?

Mion: Easy: we don't. Now let's take your buckets and get back to the school. What if somebody catches you fiddling around with the lock?

Keiichi: [Scoffs] Like anybody is going to notice us breaking into a sacred temple. All that Oyashiro-sama stuff is just a bunch of garbage. Who in their right mind would believe in a phony-baloney god like him?

Mion: Oh, I dunno, let's see, maybe THE ENTIRE FREAKING VILLAGE?

Keiichi: …You know, that's good point.

Mion: Yeah! So let's just go back to the school and-

Keiichi: But I'm still gonna break in anyway.

Mion: You know what? Fine! If you wanna get cursed, be my guest. But when you get violated by a very angry god who wants to slake his never-ending lust for vengeance, don't come crying to me!

Keiichi: [Surprised] Whaddya know. They left a key under the mat.

Mion: What? [Confused] Why would they leave a key under the mat? It's like they're asking for somebody to break in.

Keiichi: It makes my job easier! [Unlocks the door]

Mion: [Frightened] Ke-Keiichi…c'mon, let's get going! I don't wanna be here anymore!

Keiichi: Don't be such a wuss. You're the one who's always telling me to man up. So I'm manning up by committing a heinous sin. Now let's get in this shed and start violating it!

Mion: [Blushes] Ke-Kei-chan…I…I…I can't…not in a place like this…we're…we're a little too young to be…

Keiichi: [Confused] What're you blushing for? I meant that we check the place out.

Mion: Oh! Right! [Nervous laughter] I knew that! Ha-ha-ha!

[Keiichi walks in, holding Mion's hand. They examine the shed's interior closely]

Keiichi: [Complaining] Aww! What a jip! It's just a bunch of rusty old torture equipment! How dare those Furudes for piquing my curiosity with their "fancy schmancy ritual tools temple!" It's just a warehouse full of junk!

Mion: [Ignoring him. Frightened] Uh-huh, yeah that's cool. Now let's get out of here!

Keiichi: I mean, what the hell is this thing for?

Mion: You mean the metal bed that has the leather straps with the blade hanging precariously over it?

Keiichi: Yeah.

Mion: Well…[With a smile]…that particular piece of equipment cuts off your manhood!

Keiichi: [Suspicious] …How do you know that…?

Mion: [Shifts her eyes around] Oh. Lucky guess…

Keiichi: [Unimpressed] Well. This place sucks.

[Footsteps creep along the shed]

Mion: [Gasp] Keiichi…do you hear something…?

Keiichi: [Cautious] Yeah…I did…

Mion: What do you think it was…?

Keiichi: I dunno…it sound like-

_Hanyuu: [Creepily] ~Hey hey heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey…~_

[Keiichi and Mion jump after hearing Hanyuu speak. She emerges before them in the form of a specter]

_Hanyuu: [Exclaiming creepily] What'd Rika tell y'all about comin' IN MAH SHED?_

Mion: [Scream]

Keiichi: [Laughs hard] A brat? A tiny little brat is the great Oyashiro-sama? Hehehehe! You gotta be kidding me! What's this little kid gonna do to us?

_Hanyuu: [Like a stereotypical ghost] I am going to place a curse on the both of youuuuuu! Ooooooooooooh! You will never know peace! You will suffer until the day you dieeeeeeee!_

Keiichi: Yeah, like I haven't heard that one before. Can't you do better than that?

Mion: [Scared] Keiichi! Shut up!

_Hanyuu: [Normally] Oh. Well…um… [Ghostly voice] I am also going to strike you repeatedly…wiiiiiiith…a shrubbery!_

Keiichi: …Seriously?

_Hanyuu: [Normally] Um…! Uh…! [Ghostly voice] What if I were to suck out your brain…through a…BENDY STRAW?_

Keiichi: [Normally, despite being deathly afraid] Oh we're screwed.

Mion: [Angrily] "We"? You're the one who just _had_ to see what was in the shed in the first place, you jerk!

Keiichi: I can't help it when I get curious!

Mion: Now we're gonna have our brains sucked out because of you! That's it, I'm gonna kill you!

_Hanyuu: [In her normal timid voice] Um…I'd like to finish cursing you if you two don't mind._

Keiichi: [Normally] Oh, sorry. You can finish.

_Hanyuu: Thank you. Ahem! [Ghostly voice] Prepare…for the suckage! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

Keiichi: [Scared out of his mind] Let's get outta here! Huh? Hey. Where'd Mion go?

Mion: [Off screen. Calling back to him] Nice knowing you, Kei-chan! Send me a postcard when you get to hell, okay?

Keiichi: You backstabbing…! Get back here! [Chases after her]

_Hanyuu: [Blinks] Um…I-I wasn't quite finished yet…_

[Keiichi and Mion make it back down to the school. The both of them are exhausted from escaping the angry deity from the shed. They walk through the halls]

Mion: [Breathing heavily. Furious] Way to go, you freaking idiot! We're cursed for eternity now!

Keiichi: I didn't do anything! It's not my fault the evil god of Hinamizawa wants to kill us!

Mion: WHAT? You're the jackass that went into a forbidden temple!

Keiichi: If I remember correctly, you went in there with me.

Mion: What's that supposed to mean? Don't try pinning this whole thing on me!

Keiichi: You're just as guilty as I am.

Mion: I swear…if that monster ends up killing us, I'm never speaking to you again!

Keiichi: Well, if we're both gonna die, I don't see the point of that.

Mion: You know what I mean!

Chie: [Throws the door open. Angry] What's all the noise out here then?

Keiichi and Mion: Sensei!

Chie: What were you two doing out here? Makin' out when I was punishin' you, eh?

Mion: [Frightened] I'm sorry, Sensei!

Keiichi: Sensei? When did you start sounding like a craggily old bat from a British comedy movie that we should have no knowledge about?

Chie: Since shut up! Now get back inside or I'll thump you so hard that your grandkids'll feel it!

Keiichi: That doesn't even make sense…

Chie: GET!

[Mion and Keiichi take their seats]

Satoko: Oh hohohohoho! [Mocking] Keiichi-san wanted some mushy time with Mion-san, huh? I didn't know he liked older women! I thought he liked young girls!

Rena: Keiichi-kun…that's a little disturbing…

Rika: ~Keiichi's a pervert!~

Keiichi: What's the big deal? This is Japan, and Japan has no laws against underage intimacy. I could get away with it if I wanted to!

Satoko: [Shocked] You're….you're disgusting!

Mion: Y'know. I pretty sure there's going to be an organization that'll be out to get predators like you one of these days, Kei-chan. They'll set you up and have your face plastered all over American TV while you're read a list of pervy things that you said to a young girl in a private electronic meeting room.

Keiichi: You're talking nonsense. There's no such thing as "electronic meeting rooms."

Rika: It'll happen someday. Wait until the Internet is invented.

Keiichi: What the heck is the Internet…?

Chie: Oi! Shut up back there or you're gonna taste mah belt!

Keiichi: [Laughs] She doesn't even have a belt.

[He's whipped in the face with a leather belt]

Keiichi: OW! Where the heck did you get a belt?

Chie: I have plenty of things stuffed under my dress! Now shut it! Everybody work on your exercises!

[She walks off]

Rena: [Curious] Keiichi-kun? Where were you and Mii-chan all this time? Were you still receiving your punishment from before?

Satoko: He was receiving a _punishment_, all right! Oh hohohoho!

Rena: Punishment? What do you mean, Satoko-chan?

Satoko: Just imagine: them, all alone in the woods with two buckets of water…~you know what I mean!~

Rena: [Blushes] Hauuuuuu…! Keiichi-kun and Mii-chan with two buckets of water…! So cute…!

Keiichi: How is _that _cute?

Rika: Keiichi?

Keiichi: Hmm?

Rika: [Cutely] Is my shed doing okay?

Keiichi: [Gulping] Yeah. It's fine. Nothing to worry about…hehe…

Rika: You didn't go inside, did you?

Keiichi: You kidding me? Do you think I would ever break into a sacred temple and dishonor it?

Rika: Are you sure you didn't go inside…?

Keiichi: [Nervous laugh] Totally! Why're you asking me such stupid questions? I'd never go behind your back and disobey your family's rules!

Mion: [Sigh] Way to dig yourself into a bigger hole…

Keiichi: Way to keep your mouth shut…

Satoko: What're you two whispering about? [Mocking] Ooooh, I know! You're thinking of finding another place where you can smooch smooch smooooooch!

Keiichi: [Sigh] Satoko…one of these days, you're gonna get stabbed by a deranged chick with a severe psychological disorder who just so happens to have a creepy obsession for a guy that looks a lot like me. Just sayin'.

Satoko: What deranged chick?

Shion: [Enters the classroom] Hi, everyone! Sorry, I'm late! I just got through talking with the police outside.

Rena: [Shocked] Police? Why are the police here?

Chie: Somebody probably got cut up with a hatchet again, no big deal. Just sit down and keep working.

Shion: Apparently, someone broke into the Ritual Tools Shrine! The alarm's been going off for the past thirty minutes!

Keiichi: [Tenses up]

Mion: [Freaking out]

Chie: My God! That's insane! [Silence] Since when did they install an alarm on that thing?

Rena: [Frightened] Who could have done such a horrible crime?

Satoko: [Pondering] That's really weird. Keiichi-san and Mion-san were up there not too long ago…

Mion: [Nervous] Well, we didn't s-see anyth-thing.

Shion: Oishi said that there's a fresh trail of footprints leading from the shrine to this very building. He also found two buckets of water at the door to the shed. _And_ there was graffiti written on the floor that said, "I totally defaced Furude property! Hahaha suckers! – Maebara Keiichi".

Satoko: …Who could have done that…?

Shion: Your guess is as good as mine. I can't make anything out of the graffiti. Even Oishi is baffled.

Mion: Are you !#$ing kidding me…?

Rika: Are you !#$ing kidding me…?

Keiichi: [Enraged] Who could have done such a heinous act? That's utterly despicable! I say we all go out into the village and hunt this bastard down! There's no time to waste! Let's tie him, rip out his guts, and leave his body for the buzzards! Nobody defaces Furude property!

The Class: [Loud cheering and applauding]

Chie: I agree! This culprit is a monster! He must be brought to justice!

Satoko: Count me in! I'll find this guy and beat him to a pulp!

Shion: [Cutely] My family can help out! We have all kinds of cool stuff that we can torture him with!

Rena: [Happily] That's a wonderful idea! Rena wants to help out too!

Shion: It'll be awesome! We can suck out his brain through bendy straws!

Keiichi: Ahahahha! Now my friends! Let us journey forth into battle! We shall not rest until we smite this evil doer!

[The entire class empties as they cheer and applaud]

Keiichi: [Maniacal laughing. Stops short; scared] Oh, we're totally !#$ed now!

Mion: [Shouting] Why the hell did you leave graffiti in there anyway?

Keiichi: I wanted to leave my mark on the place. What's so bad about that?

Mion: [Furious] Gee, I dunno. The entire village wants to kill you now. I think that's bad enough!

Keiichi: …You're right. I'm done. I'm dead. They're gonna get me! [Whining] Hide me, Mion! You have to save me! Please! Please! Pleaaaaaaase!

Rika: Um. Hello. I'm still here. I can hear every word you're saying…

Mion: Whaddya want me to do? You got yourself into this situation! Not me!

Rika: Still alive here.

Keiichi: You're the leader of the Club! There's gotta be something you can do for me!

Rika: Still listening.

Mion: [Thinks] Hmmm. What if I were to hide you in basement of my house? I don't think anybody would look there.

Keiichi: Perfect! Let's go there right now!

[Keiichi and Mion depart]

Rika: [Sighs] You people are a bunch of idiots…

_Hanyuu: [Appears] Auu auu~! Rika! Keiichi and Mion went into the shrine!_

Rika: [Sarcasm] Gee, Hanyuu. I _never_ would have figured that one out.

_Hanyuu: What should we do? I still have to curse those two!_

Rika: Let Keiichi keep on running. Everlasting fear of being apprehended is an appropriate curse for him.

_Hanyuu: What about Mion?_

Rika: She's cursed with caring for a bumbling idiot for the rest of her life. You see? [Devilish chuckle] Fufufufufufu~. My family wasn't kidding about divine punishments.

_Hanyuu: Ohhhhhh, I see what you did there._

Rika: Let's go, Hanyuu. I need a drink…

_Hanyuu: Auuu auuu~! Wait for me!_

[Elsewhere in Hinamizawa]

Shion: [Frustrated] Where the heck could that culprit be? He's a wiley one, that guy!

Satoko: This is so stupid! We should have found another clue by now! This guy's good!

Rena: [Sad] Hauuu…looks like we're dealing with our toughest adversary yet…

Keiichi: [Whining] But I don't want to go into the dark scary place! It's all icky and corpsey!

Mion: Shut up and get in there!

Rika: [Depressed] These new worlds are going to be terrible…

FIN


End file.
